Notes On Creative Dialogue

Notes on Creative Dialogue

Ten Steps Leading to Creative Dialogue (Adapted From Otis Maxfield)

1. Actions speak louder than words – non verbal comm. is much more powerful than we give it credit for

a. Sending flower on Valentine’s Day is meaningless if you’ve been mean and angry the day before

2. Define what is important and stress it – Ignore the unimportant

a. Pay attention to the A items – the things that will make a real difference

3. Recognize that each event can be seen from different points of view

a. How can someone misconstrue my motives? They might not have been as pure as I thought they were. Need to clarify the points of view and what being seen

4. Your family are experts on your behavior

a. People you’re close to are experts on your behavior – listen to them
b. Don’t fight it, don’t get mad, learn from it

5. Don’t let discussions turn into destructive arguments

a. Be sure you know if your discussion is degenerating – going in wrong direction
b. Things can become win-lose situations; seek win-win situations
c. Declare a ‘time out’ to allow things to get back on track

6. Be open and honest about your feelings – no eggshells. Bring up significant problems even if you know they will unsettle your partner. No taboos

a. What you hold back determines what you’ll become versus what you say
b. Marriages don’t die because of what’s said; they do by what can’t be said
c. Relationships don’t fall apart due to sharp controversy, they will wither up and die because they won’t be controversial with each other – not face gorilla in corner
d. They will talk about each other in each other’s absence – what do they say?

7. No creative dialogue takes place by only accentuating the positive – you need the disturbances. You’re left to deal with Mr. In Between. Repression destroys a relationship and the dialogue.

8. Let the effect not the intention of your communication be your guide

a. In any dialogue, don’t pretend that the communication justifies the result
b. You have to test to understand the ‘effect’

9. Accept all feelings and try to understand them - do not accept all actions but try to understand. There’s no such thing as a bad feeling; there are bad behaviors.

a. Try to understand the behaviors – what is the underlying emotion? Reason?
b. Don’t accept the destructive behaviors – when does ‘forgiveness’ start?
c. Don’t preach or lecture – don’t be a parent to your mate
d. “Tell me more about it” and “I don’t understand, can you give me an example” – use these questions to unstuck a dialogue

10. Listen more than you talk

a. Listen empathically – with sensitivity about where the other person is coming from
b. Listen intently – not passively but actively. Ask questions; restate what you understand. Get clarification.
c. Deal from a basis of understanding

Dr. Otis A. Maxfield was the Senior Minister of the Andover, Massachusetts, West Parish Congregational Church, during the 1970s. This material was excerpted from a sermon he delivered during that time.

****

This newsletter is to stimulate your spiritual thinking in the hope that it will contribute to your spiritual growth. The essays are not meant to be complete treatises on the subject, only short papers to stimulate your thinking. The author invites your comments and critiques by reply e-mail to bob@futuremoons.com.