Spiritual Skills - Intention

Forgiveness

An older woman I know had a flash love affair and marriage when she was twenty years old, resulting in one child. Less than a year later (before the baby was even born), she divorced. For over sixty years, even long after his death, it was hard to hold a conversation with her without her bringing up the pain, indignation, anger and resentment she felt towards her ex-spouse, often including detailed and redundant recitations of his many defects. This woman was not able to forgive her bad judgment of character, nor forgive the grievances with her long-gone ex-husband (who later remarried and had a successful career and family).

Forgiveness is a spiritual skill. Spiritual growth is impossible if your mind is clogged with the pain, indignation, anger and resentment towards either yourself or another person. Many spiritual mystics, including Jesus and the Buddha, name forgiveness as one of the most important lessons to learn. Forgiveness lets you clear away some baggage from the past. You move beyond the position of the perceived offense your ego has staked out, and seek a more positive vision both physically and spiritually. In many ways, Forgiveness is an act of compassion towards yourself.

Forgiving Yourself

For many, forgiving yourself is the hardest thing we do. In an article entitled ‘Woulda, Coulda, Shouda,” David Dudley notes five areas of regrets that we often prosecute ourselves over: forgone opportunities in education, romance, career, family, and self-control or self-development. You can break things down another way too: being unforgiving about things you’ve done or said, or not done and said. In any case, we allow the past to get in our way, and we self-flagellate to drive home our own inadequacies.

Some perspective and realism help us deal with the things we should forgive ourselves about. We all have a dark side that doesn’t act the way we’d like. Motivational speaker Debbie Ford emphasizes the “Shadow Side” of our lives, because so many people struggle with that part of themselves and seek to deny it. In her work (and that of many others), rather than try to deny or eliminate our dark or shadow sides, we need to learn to live with it, accept it for what it is – a part of our life that makes up the contrasts to our ideal personality, and balance it with the ‘light’ side of who we are. We all have a dark side, so relax – and Forgive when you allow that side to be the one that speaks or takes action.

Linda Larsen, a Sarasota-based motivational speaker, has a best-selling compilation on Self-Esteem. A hallmark of her lectures includes forgiving ourselves and not allowing our past decisions and actions to weigh us down. Think of all the good things you’ve done; don’t focus on the few items that you wish you’d done differently. She has listeners to her lectures prepare a ‘finest and best’ list to remind them of the times they operated at their peak. The emphasis is not on what you need to fix, but on moving beyond that which holds you back. Self-forgiveness plays a major role in that release.

Forgiving Others

Ah, you’ve been wronged! Someone has perpetrated a grievous infraction against you – carelessly or intentionally. Your ego is seriously bruised. Now what?

Of course, you have the option to hold some sort of grudge for as long as you like. One might ask, however, whether the effort you expend to hold the grudge is worth it. Does it make a difference to the perpetrator … change their behavior towards you or others? You can also insist on being right (all the time?). These options leave you with the same level of pain, resentment, and anger, which, if carefully nursed, can last decades. As one of my friends would say, “Life’s too short. Move on.”

Forgiving and forgetting is another possibility, however, many note that offensive behavior should not be forgotten. Forgiven, yes. However, you should learn from the experience and take the needed steps to protect yourself – physically and emotionally. What this means is to move beyond the emotions the experience triggers in you, and let go (see earlier newsletter on this topic).

As one famous quote goes, “To err is human; to forgive is divine.” One might also add, ‘to forget or condone is not required.’ Forgiving does not mean condoning or forgetting the bad behavior of someone. It means releasing it as a source of anxiety to you. Whether you share your forgiveness with the offending party is up to you. Whether you want to continue to hold them accountable is up to you. The other person may not have changed at all, and may even be likely to repeat the offense. You don’t have to tell them or even involve them in your decision to forgive. However, nice, you may never get any apology you believe you deserve. The issue is you – not them, specifically, how you feel – how you let go of the situation.

Some Steps To Forgiveness

The seven steps listed below can be used to either forgive yourself or forgive others.

1. Acknowledge The Offense. Write down what act or words upset you. Be explicit. This could be a letter (which you should NOT send to the offending party) or entries in your regular journal. Detail the emotions in your writing that have been aroused. One therapeutic act is to burn the forgiveness letter as symbolic of your forgiving and letting go.

2. Create a List of Benefits. As part of your letter or journal, write down the benefits and lessons you’ve learned from the annoying deed. You can always learn from a bad experience, so what did you learn? Jot down the things you will and won’t do the next time the situation appears.

3. Empathize. Understand the thoughts and situation around the person that displeased you. Were their words and actions careless or intentional? Why? What were they trying to achieve or defend against? When you can see the point of view of the other person, it can make forgiving an easier act for you. A point to note is our expectations about perfection in either ourselves or in someone else; we aren’t perfect, and neither is anyone else.

4. Create and Repeat Positive Affirmations. In some short statements, note how good forgiving will be for you regarding the situation you’ve brooded over. Here are some samples: ‘As I forgive, I reopen my heart and mind to spiritual growth;’ ‘Forgiving rids my body of pain, anger, stress, anxiety, and resentment. I will be upset no more;’ or ‘I can reestablish a constructive relationship with [this person] once again.’

5. Protect Yourself. Before moving on, understand what made you vulnerable to the emotions and hurt you felt. Take intentional positive steps to prevent the situation or your response to it from bothering you again. This could mean severing a friendship, renegotiating the implied contract in a relationship, or where appropriate, reestablishing some level of trust with the person that offended you. You’re not forgetting the situation; you’re learning and growing from it.

6. Get Outside Help. If you find it difficult to forgive, find the right person that can not only sympathize with you, but also help you release the situation and pain from deep within you. The right ‘coach’ can help you verbalize about the circumstances and individuals involved, and then they can help you move beyond it. They can help you visualize your life without carrying the luggage of unforgiven acts. They can help you see your own potential clearly, including the need for self-forgiveness.

7. Rise Above The Situation – Live in the Now. Whether the act was intentional or careless, we need to stop and realize that we can continue to cope with the malfeasance at the human level, or we can try to elevate our thinking to a higher plane about this. We know we can allow our egos to conjure up retaliatory remarks or acts, yet revenge or retribution is a shallow satisfaction and in the long run only serves to perpetuate our aggrieved feelings. Eckhart Tolle wrote eloquently about moving away from an ego-driven life that gloats on the past to a more spiritually driven life taking place in the Now. Good advice for those wanting to forgive some past transgression.

So forgive someone today … and tomorrow … and the day after that. Make a list and add to it each day as you forgive and release the baggage you’ve been carrying.

Namasté

This website is to stimulate your spiritual thinking in the hope that it will contribute to your spiritual growth. The author invites your comments and critiques by reply e-mail to bob@futuremoons.com.