Spiritual Skills - Intimacy and Openness

Intimacy and Openness

The second set of spiritual skills follow from Love (see last week), and involve our ability to be intimate and open in our relationships. The premise for these skills is that relationships are key elements to spiritual growth and self-realization. Only through intimacy and openness do we endow others completely with our love, or allow ourselves to bask in their gifts to us. Through that love, closeness, and sharing, we grow in every dimension possible.

The word intimacy suggests a sexual relationship to many people. Not to exclude that potential, the term as used here refers to the close personal association between two people, on many levels, including sexual. Intimacy in human relationships requires:

Dialogue
Openness
Vulnerability
Reciprocity

Dialogue is a heart-to-heart exchange of ideas, visions, goals, dreams, and aspirations without the fear of ridicule or censure. You can’t have intimacy without open, empathic communication.

Openness is a critical element to intimate behavior, and means that nothing is hidden – nothing is so sacred that you don’t share it with those you love. We live transparent lives in concert with those close to us. In that context, the facets of openness as a personality trait are: imagination and fantasy; appreciation of aesthetics; inclination to try new things, visit new places, etc.; a desire to be intellectually curious; and a willingness to re-examine one’s values, often realigning them with your intimate loved ones. One author described openness as trying to make your inner world and outer world congruent. To do that in the context of intimacy means you have to communicate what’s inside you to the others important in your life.

Vulnerability means that we make ourselves susceptible to emotional injury or attack. As a component of intimacy, we are willing to expose our inner-most selves – to stand psychologically naked before those we love, with the goal of openness, trusting that those we love will not use it against us.

Reciprocity means that the people we choose to be intimate with will be intimate in return. They will return the feelings, the sharing, the openness, and the vulnerability. We expose ourselves to each other in so many ways, and though that exposure comes self-realization, learning, and growth.

Intimacy is about ‘connectedness’ and ‘safety.’ Connecting at a supremely deep level with another person – with other people – means you feel some chemistry with each other, you understand each other, you intuitively know how to work together. Respect is a key element of connectedness, and so is intentionality. I respect my loved ones (as they do me), and I have a vision of sustaining that connection with them. Safety means that you establish a deepening trust; so deep, that you do not fear emotional or physical abuse. Instead, you feel your partners are your rock, particularly in times of trouble.

Lots of things get in the way of being intimate and open. Resentment or low levels of anger work make you close down certain areas of your life to others. You also lose the connectedness to your loved ones in the face of daily pressures: work, mortgages, debt, kids, school, health problems, changes in life, etc. Other blocks are unwillingness to forgive, having poor role models for intimacy, or carrying relationship or psychological burdens from our past into the present. These can all be overcome.

Laura Dawn Lewis, CEO of the Couples Company, wrote about the eight stages of intimacy, emphasizing the substantive characteristics of a person’s personality as key to building and sustaining an intimate relationship. The eight stages define a maturing relationship, with each stage perhaps incomplete and still in progress as the next stages are broached. These are listed below and serve as a wonderful baseline for understanding the broader context of intimacy

1. Physical Intimacy – these are the physical attributes you find appealing in people you are willing to be intimate with at this level. They include charisma, presence, manner of speaking, and interaction with others. Superficially, these might be stated as voice, smell and looks, but these characteristics fade in importance over time. What physical attributes attract you to someone the first time you meet him or her? Do you stimulate other people this way as well?

2. Aesthetic Intimacy – in this stage you find your shared tastes areas such as entertainment, food, and surroundings. You establish you share views on life styles, health, décor, and artistic endeavors. You find you can both be comfortable together in the settings you mutually choose.

3. Recreational Intimacy – as your relationship progresses, you share time together: doing what? We recreate together: play, hobbies, time with children, and share attitudes about work vs. play. We agree on work-life balance, as well as a division of personal time vs. together time. We look for and set aside time to be together.

4. Intellectual Intimacy – in a developing connection between people, there comes a time to share your hopes, ambitions, desires, fears, opinions and beliefs. The subject of faith, life goals, and family ambitions comes up, as well as principles about what we stand for. There’s more here than religion and politics, for those traits can change over time. What remains is the respect and love you are growing.

5. Spiritual Intimacy – although we sense this earlier in a relationship, this level reflects openness about morality, ethics, priorities in life, shared existence, values, and shared goals. Intimacy in this area can be inhibited by an addictive lifestyle, shutting part of yourself off from your loved ones, creating a co-dependency, or subjugating the relationship to the needs and desires of the individual. One minister writes that a core element of intimacy is praying together, openly and with sincerity.

6. Emotional Intimacy – in this stage we share feelings and reveal our inner selves and emotions; we develop trust, security and safety in the relationship. Personal traits underlying this kind of intimacy are compassion, empathy, trust, and self-esteem. We care about what the other person says. Superficial elements such as financial status, image, or occupation mask true intimacy in this area. Intimacy in this stage means we can leave the past in the past, we don’t seek to ‘get even,’ we don’t use passive-aggressive behavior with each other, we share the blame in problem areas, we’re willing to not be right all the time, and we transcend jealous behaviors. Lewis notes that most couples do not experience deep emotional intimacy.

7. Sexual Intimacy – intimacy at this stage in a relationship is more than copulation. Instead, deep feelings of generosity, endearment, appreciation, and discretion emerge. This area deals with touching, sexual liberation, physical contact, and romance. One sign of success is doing things for your loved one because you know they will appreciate it. Blocks that inhibit intimacy in this area are the use of sex as a weapon or bribe, lack of respect for personal decisions (e.g., no ridicule), or the use of anger, teasing, or other manipulation to obtain behavior the other finds distasteful. Intimacy at this stage is truly a union of mind, body, and soul between two lovers.

8. Unconditional Love – Lewis lists unconditional love as the highest form of intimacy. Intimacy at this level deals with love and support without strings, expectations, or regrets. Substantive traits at this stage are humility, compassion, forgiveness, honesty, and faith. She states that few people attain this level because most of us put conditions, boundaries, and restrictions on our love. This level is an aspiration for most people.

As you think of the relationships that are key in your life – key to your spiritual growth and self-realization, you might use these eight stages of intimacy to evaluate where and how to work on developing those that enhance your growth and the growth of your partners.

LIVE INTIMATE LIVES.

Love and Namasté

This website is to stimulate your spiritual thinking in the hope that it will contribute to your spiritual growth. The author invites your comments and critiques by reply e-mail to bob@futuremoons.com.