On Needing To Be Right

On Needing To Be Right

Giving up the need to be right has been briefly commented on by several contemporary spiritual leaders, among them Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer, and Abraham/Hicks. Needing to be right happens when your ego dominates not only your thinking and actions, but also those of someone else. You have to be right; you can’t be wrong. Along the path of my spiritual growth, this seemed a worthy topic to bring up. I’m embarrassed to say I catch myself feeling this way too often.

An Autobiographical Example

I started to doubt my certainty in always being right in the seventh grade. The class had not been prepared ahead of time for what happened one day. Our teacher was at the front of the room starting a lecture when another teacher we didn’t know burst in the door and accosted him with a flurry of words and accusations, and then several wild punches. A short scuffle ensured, and then a shot was fired (not a real one as it turned out). The assailant ran out the door, leaving our regular teacher clutching his chest as though he’d been shot. Everyone in the class had a clear view of the event and sat speechless wondering what to do.

Our teacher then revealed that this one-minute scene was part of a journalism lesson he was teaching us. We each had to write a one-page description of what we had just seen, emphasizing the ‘who, what, why, where, when, and how’ about the event. Facts were important: the color of a shirt, a description of the assailant, facts about the weapon, words that were said, and so forth.

In a class of twenty-five, there turned out to be twenty-five different versions of the ‘truth.’ There was little agreement on the color of the assailant’s shirt or hair or any other features; most acknowledged a gunshot, however, others believed there was a knife (of varying lengths) or some other weapon such as an ice pick; while shouting had occurred, not one person in the class could accurately recall what was said or by whom; and on and on.

I was sure of what I had seen and heard. I’d sat less than ten feet from the encounter. But then the disparate opinions became evident as each student read their account of the incident. At first, I wondered if they had been in the same room with me and witnessed the same fight. Then, I started to suspect my own senses and memory. Lastly, I doubted whether anyone had an accurate impression of the argument and assault. I concluded that no one was ‘right.’

Fallout

When I insist that I am right, I shut off the possibility that someone else understands what’s going on better than I do. My ego insists that it knows better than anyone else. This makes me lose out in at least three ways:

• I lose the ability to acquire information that would enrich my understanding of the situation

• I lose the ability to connect with others, because I insist that I am right

• I lose the ability to be heard, because people will stop listening to me because I insist on the correctness of my point of view

I have thought about the impact of others’ ‘rightness’ on my own spiritual growth and acceptance. (And, of course, I’m trying to keep my own ego out of the equation.)

Two religious arguments immediately came to my mind (and there are many others):

The Bible – Cited by many as the ‘only’ book written containing the word of God, the territory staked out appears to some as an exclusive franchise about ‘rightness.’ Interesting, yet many Biblical scholars disagree on its content, interpretation, translation, construct, degree of literal intent, and even today many find a plethora of disagreements and inconsistencies. So pick your scholar and your interpretation if you dare to read at all. If the underlying message is supposed to be about Love, how come there is such discord and fighting over this book and its teachings?

Fundamentalist Religions – Their premise is ‘believe in ‘my way,’ and you’ll go to heaven; any other way will take you straight to hell.' These often self-declared ‘broad-minded’ sects all have a zealous set of boundaries between right and wrong, often based on Biblical passages, yet adherents appear to conveniently ignore other parts of the Bible or their leader’s teachings that stand in conflict or are juxtaposed with their beliefs. Conversion to such a religion is on the basis of ‘we’re right,’ and ‘everyone else is wrong.’ Sects differ in the degree of tolerance and forgiveness they practice for ‘being wrong.’

When confronted with the “right” facts about the book or a particular sect, I usually run in the opposite direction as fast as I can.

Starting To Give Up The Need To Be Right

Put on your ‘Awareness Hat’ and test how you feel about the following situations:

1. Feeling right is always better than being right. You were right, but felt bad about it after you proved your point and forced someone else to agree with you. Put the value on ‘feeling connected’ rather than ‘being right.’ One author put it this way: “Would you rather be right or happy?”

2. Feeling good about being right is always short-lived. When your victory about being right has worn off, you may feel isolated and alone. Jules Renard said, “If you are afraid of being lonely, don’t try to be right.”

3. Having to be right pushes people away and is unattractive. When you are secure, you don’t need people to agree with you about anything. Don’t allow your sense of self to depend on having to be right. Relationships where one partner constantly takes a stand about ‘being right’ in arguments or discussions are often unhealthy.

4. Having to be right is about insecurity. Insecurity pushes people away, usually the same people you want to be close to. Earl Nightengale once observed, “When you judge others, you do not define them’ you define yourself.”

5. Having to be right takes a lot of work. You become invested in making someone else see things your way. You might ask, what difference will it make in the long run. Remember the five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: “I apologize,” and “You are right.”

Lastly, A Few Ideas On How to Quit

• Think About The Long-Term – Ask yourself whether your winning (or losing) this discussion will make a difference in the long run. I recall a book title from years ago; something like, What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There. One theme of the book was that you had to give up the old habits (the ‘right’ ones) to move forward; put another way, you may not know as much as you think you do. When I have the sagacity to think with the long view, I realize I should keep my mouth shut.

• Weigh The Importance – So much of what we argue about or ‘have to be right’ about is trivia. If you must take a stand about something being ‘right,’ make sure it’s about something important, something earth shattering, something momentous. Otherwise, just let the moment pass.

• Consider The ‘Other Truths’ First – Asking “What do you think?” is a good opener to any discussion. If the other person’s point of view is sufficiently ‘right’ forget about expressing your own opinion. Just politely say, “Oh, I agree,” and move on. Try it.

• Think How The Other Person Will Feel – How will the ‘other’ feel if you don’t explain the ‘right’ answer to the situation? What will hurt them? If you’re right, will that make them ‘wrong?’ Can you be content to maintain their happiness ahead of your own? In the end, you will likely create your own happiness.

• Look for the Shades of Gray – Unlearn the conditioning given to you by your school system – the conditioning that leaves us feeling we have to ‘be right’ – the other alternative being we are ‘wrong.’ Unfortunately, shades of gray aren’t emphasized too much. Your ‘right’ may only be one point along a broad spectrum of acceptable gray answers. Think in color.

Remember J. K. Rowling’s profound words from “Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince,” “… People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.”

Namasté

This website is to stimulate your spiritual thinking in the hope that it will contribute to your spiritual growth. The author invites your comments and critiques by reply e-mail to bob@futuremoons.com.